Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
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so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
This is so wrong 😂
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
just having fun
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.