Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

6YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.