Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
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I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.