Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
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Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero