Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*

Four-year-old: Look, a rock!

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*