Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

🤣

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.

Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

Caveman: I have discovered fire

Village: yayyyyy

Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff

Village: booooo

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

Women: When
are you leaving?

Men: In the morning.

W: Yeah but what time.

M: Morningtime.

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever