Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.

He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.

THIS.

MOTHER.

FUCKER.

DOES.

NOT.

CARE.

HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.

Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.