Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
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My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
The three genders
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando