Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means

(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

ㅤ

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”