Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
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i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk