Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
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I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go