Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
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Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G