Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
What kind of a cult is this?
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
