Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
