Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
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BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
i wish we could shoplift online
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.