Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
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Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
i hate you platonically
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out