Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
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“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Effort made
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
The days of good grammer has went
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’