“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Am sorry I asked you ‘Who is the father’ when you told me your wife is pregnant.
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me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
ME: WOW! Bigfoot!
BIGFOOT: Hey Smallfoot
M: U call us Smallfoot?
BF: U have small feet
M: no, urs r big
BF: mine r normal
BF: see ya
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
4 words. 5 syllables. Easy to say. Hard to prove. ”I am a zebra.”
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on