i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
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Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
don’t be scared
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.