Am sorry I asked you ‘Who is the father’ when you told me your wife is pregnant.

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“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said


[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make


Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?



Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )


*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*


ME: WOW! Bigfoot!
BIGFOOT: Hey Smallfoot
M: U call us Smallfoot?
BF: U have small feet
M: no, urs r big
BF: mine r normal
M: huh
BF: see ya


instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club


4 words. 5 syllables. Easy to say. Hard to prove. ”I am a zebra.”


Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.


Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on