Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

pls suprot

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

How dude HOW?!