Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
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8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.