Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”