Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]

A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-

Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

hmm conte-me mais

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid