Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot how to panic. Help

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

Just a reminder, folks:

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.