Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

I can fix him.

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.