“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
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Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit