“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
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My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
live, laugh, laundry.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.