“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
You Might Also Like
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.