“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
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PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
life finds a way
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.