Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

The point of your 20s