Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

I am all good here, 😂😉

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*