Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected

ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

This is enough internet for the day.

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there