Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday