Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

Worth the read.

The news is so predictable nowadays

“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

Bread puns are on the rise!

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

FINE, I WON’T.

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

Good morning

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.