Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.

(Don’t need me)

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

when someone compliments me

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

When someone trying to leave me