Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

I told my vodka about you.

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.