amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
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Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy