amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
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I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.