Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

…..pretty much.

Hey neighbor…

Hope you…

Don’t mind…

Me borrowing…

Your…

Trampoline…

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

This sounds bad:

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train