Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

What?

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

“i am a sweet baby”

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊

Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.

Me: I can’t wait!

RM: You’re fired.

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies