Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
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ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.