Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
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Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
🍞🦆
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap