Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

sometimes i miss this memes

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners