Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

I know a bad idea when I see one.

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.