Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

So we got a goldfish…

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group