Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”