Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
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me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Oddly specific
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”