Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

Yup.

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾