Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*