Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
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My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Those are good neighbors.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.