Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
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What a chick magnet..
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.