Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
You Might Also Like
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
The Friday File.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
security at the airport getting more straightforward
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
