Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that