Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked