Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
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Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Life is a suicide mission.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
oh she’s cooked
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here