Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
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Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.