Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
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I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer