Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed

Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.