Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

Good boy 😂😂

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft