Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
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Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”