Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

KFC hitting the cannibal market

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference