Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.