Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
You Might Also Like
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
opening twitter today
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.