Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
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Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Why font matters.
wtf management?!
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.