Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
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5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.