Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
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I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
CRYING
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire