Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

IT’S-A ME,

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

no their not

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.