#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
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Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Ken is short for chicken
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?