#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
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*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️