Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

I did not take a DNA test…

Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

That’s incredible! 👌