AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
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Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Potatoes were such a good idea
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”