Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

paddle faster i hear baby shark

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible