AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
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A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
#FunnyLife Insects
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’