My neighbour is on his front porch wearing a Halloween mask and oven mitts while trying to remove a wasps nest. This should be interesting.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
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When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
FRIEND:i suffer badly with insomnia
FRIEND:it’s where you can’t sleep
ME:you just*lays down*just like this *falls asleep*see?
If a non-profit accidentally makes a profit they must be like, “Guys we totally suck at losing money.”
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*