Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.

the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.