Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE