Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

Raisins are grape jerky.

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?

He was going through a midlife ISIS!!

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?