Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
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Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
sry
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣