Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
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Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.